The Headlines:
What do you do when someone you love...
Can't go on?
The New Year can be a special time... it is full of hope and excitement for what's ahead. But, for some, it is not special - instead it can be scary, isolating and depressing.
You know what I've noticed? Too many people in this world are hurting. Think about it. They are everywhere. That 20 year old who can't find her soul mate. The husband who lost that connection he once had to his wife. The man who can't land the job he desires. The child who is teased. The old lady who is physically hurting and lonely. The Grandpa who remembers his glory days of football but not much else. The boy who never gets picked for a team. The teen who can't afford the college she desperately wants to go to. Or You. Are you hurting? If you're not... you may be the only one.
Most all of us struggle with sadness at one point in our lives. We may not show it, we may actually try to squash it. But it is there. It is how you handle the feeling, the pain, that matters. In the past several months, I have learned that sometimes sadness can become much bigger than the person or the people surrounding them know. Until one day, it overcomes them and then it's too late. My friend, Daniel Clark, killed himself in October of 2022. When he did, he took many of us down right with him. This blog is for him and those that are stuck in the same spot. It's also for those of us who are on the outside looking in to someone who has lost... hope.
20 years ago in February of 2002 - I started working at channel 12 News, KPNX, in Phoenix Arizona. It was a big deal. Big news market. Something, back then, that a new reporter/anchor... strives for. I was a reporter for the morning show. I previously anchored morning shows but this time I would be paired with a photographer each and every morning. The photog I tended to be paired with very early on... started the same day as I did. His name was Daniel. On that day and all the days forward, he wasn’t just “my work husband” but my lifelong friend.
We worked the morning show - 9 years together. We went through so many anchors and producers… but during that time the two of us we stayed constant. In fact, we probably saw the sun rise almost 5 days a week together. Side note: did you know the coldest part of the day - is just before sun rise. Not sure why, something about the inversion layer. Daniel could probably tell you… he was proud of information. He was curious, he wanted to know things. So, as I shivered every morning, Daniel sweat. He ran hot, always. Over the years, we covered everything from the Rodeo/Chedisky wildfire to serial shooters to Car Seat Safety day to Turkey Tuesday to a 2 week Prison Stand-off to Olympic curling - at the ice den not the real deal. There was lots of conversation, lots of F- words (he loved that word), some flowery arguments, plenty of stops for QT Diet coke & hot dogs. He made clear what he valued in life: his love of his wife, his sister, he "liked persons - not people" and that's a quote. He lived to ski and cook and he loved his dogs - I particularly remember one named ND. Stood for New Dog. Seriously, that was his name.
Rolling out every morning in a live truck with Daniel, felt safe. We would go to the diciest places and I wish I could remember some specific cross streets but there were so many locations, so many I just can’t - they all run together. But the point is - he always had me… and I knew that. Daniel and I together were going to get the job done - he would make sure of that. He was half photographer/half producer. He was so good, I kind got to sit back with my feet up. I literally did that in the live truck actually, My feet on the dash as I wrote or read - he drove or gathered pictures. Back then, he loved every minute of the job. Daniel was fierce, passionate, kind, dedicated, loyal, fast, hard working and oh so talented. He was also stubborn, opinionated, harsh yet protective. We would argue and smile at the same time. That was his style.
One of the things I remember most about Daniel - he would drive and look for news the entire way. No joke, he looked toward the sky, saw a fluttering airplane or a plume of smoke and wanted to know if that was a story. I usually just wanted to get back to the station so I could resume my day but he so badly wanted to get the big story before anyone else. Until one fateful day… he did. In 2007, he was up close, maybe too close, with a very big story. It was the helicopter crash in Phoenix where 2 News photographers and 2 News pilots collided and died. Daniel was in the air at the time. He saw the whole thing. I think the day Daniel covered, arguably, the biggest story of his life… was the day that changed him forever. Not in a good way.
Turns out, sometimes the thing we’re so desperately looking for is the very thing we shouldn’t find.
After that, Daniel and I worked together about 4 more years. Until early 2011, when I had my second baby. I was still on maternity leave, I had not officially quit yet and I saw him covering the Pat Tillman run on a Saturday morning over at ASU. My 3 month old son was in a stroller, my husband was running and Daniel took one look at me & knew I was “breaking up” with him for good. But we always remained friends. He watched my kids grow up, we talked, texted, met for lunch, I helped him and and his wife look for a house at one point… we were always in touch. And I had always hoped he would one day turn to God. Because he and God - were not close. So, I sent him poems, audio books and chatted with him about God's Power. But his struggle was too deep. HIs past was too painful.
Last words. A week and a half later he was gone.
Now, I am someone who is very excited and proud to know Jesus - he's my best friend and as mentioned earlier, I constantly tried to bring him to Daniel but he would have none of it. So when I learned of Daniel's death - the Christian in me automatically went to the questionable place of - where is Daniel? As far as I know, He did not want to know God. His sister has since shared with me, at one point Daniel did accept him into his heart. I also started reading and talking to my Christian friends and while I am unsure of definitive answers my hope lies somewhere in this bible verse:
Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Daniel I will miss you, you were like family, I am ticked off that you’re gone but I will remember you forever. I hope you are some where the light shines, some place in which the sun rises and makes any chill feel like warmth upon your skin forever.
Amen.
If you know someone with sadness that is too tough to handle... don't make the mistake Daniel did... please call 988. They're available 24/7.
Hi. I'm Sara. Daniel committed suicide while at my house he was subleasing. I don't know how I can ever forgive myself for not seeing what was going on. I love what u wrote.
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