When Your Child Grows Up

 The Headlines:

You have a baby

They grow up

Then, what?

For the past couple months, I'm waking up early.  My stomach starts to churn and my mind won't stop.  I am uncomfortable.  I am nervous. Maybe throw in excited and stressed.  It's all because my daughter is graduating high school and life will forever change as we know it.  So, maybe you could say I'm a little devastated too.  

It's funny,  I wrote about having children, or my inability to... on this blog years ago.  People still read it. I still get emails.  It's my most popular blog post/s by far and has been for years.  When I wrote it, it never really crossed my mind that one day... my babies would grow up.  Let's face it - back then - they were young, I was tired and it seemed as if they couldn't grow fast enough.  Until one day, it happened.  Grown, they got.  Overnight.  And then all you want to do is go back to when they were absolutely driving you nuts - even if it's just for a few moments.

Because now... in a few days, my daughter will graduate.  We'll have the summer.  Then, after a brief couple months (which will fly by), she's off and running.  Like, gone.  She's not staying in my state, she's heading to the deep South of our country.  She is super duper leaving us.  

The other day my husband was talking to her about crossing a busy street here in Scottsdale... saying something along the lines of - don't do it.  It's dangerous.  And she was like: "Dad - I'm going across the country in a few months, where I will be crossing many busy streets.  Without you."  Ha.  True that sister.  Because that's what happens, with parenting, you hold their little hand while crossing the street with them... until one day... they cross all on their own.  It's our job to get them to cross the street, eventually by themselves.  Then, she no longer needs us to hold her hand. 

I just want her to use the cross walk.  

But she really doesn't have to... if she doesn't want to use a crosswalk, she can deal with the ticket for jay walking.  It's time for her to take responsilbility of her own actions.  Wherever those lead her. 

There's lot of warning signals that Motherhood doesn't come with...  when you gave birth, did anyone mention you'd tear your body and be afraid to go to the bathroom for fear your insides would fall out in the toilet?  Or when your child falls, you get the bruise?  What about when they cry, tears roll down your face faster?  When they score a goal, you walk a little taller.  But if they don't make a team, you want to throw up.  This, feels like another one of those, no one told me kinda things.  Or maybe they did but when it happens to you - you pay attention more.

When I went to college, the last thing I thought of was what I left behind.  I was just looking forward.  Focused on the excitement ahead.  Now, as parents, we're the ones being left.  I poured my heart and soul into this beautiful, precious, kind little person who became an adult before my very eyes and she's gonna take all that out into the world and go.  It feels like that's not what's supposed to happen.  But it actually is.  That is exactly what's supposed to happen.   So, I should probably just pull up my boot straps and deal with it.  

She will too.  There's no question she's ready.  I've seen major growth in these last 6-8 months.  But we were in the car a little while ago and she said: "I know that I'm 17 and growing up and moving out soon... but I still feel so young."  She is... adulthood is looming but it's not here quite yet.   Maybe because, as long as your parents are on this earth, you're always kind of a "child".  I actually don't think we should ever lose that.  The bible agrees.

Mark 10:15 "Jesus says to the disciples, “Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” 

That statement, was apparently prompted by the disciples annoyance at the crowd of kids who wanted to see and be near Jesus.  The disciples tried to keep the children away but Jesus wanted them to come to him.  He also wants us to accept him, just as a child, accepts many things they can not see but trust.  Unconditionally, with pure joy, love and gratitude.  This, is how we should always strive to be - it's what God teaches his children and ironically what our children teach us. 

Think about that.  It's half the reason we have kids - to see the world through them.  It's better with those glasses on!

Being a Mom to my daughter - Savannah - was and continues to be a the most life changing job I've ever had... boy was it fun.  I learned more about patience, understanding, balance, motivation, deprivation, hope, kindness, frustration, compromise, selflessness and love than I thought possible.  She taught me those things and so much more.  I'm pretty sure she is a far better person than I ever was at her age.  And that's exactly what we want, right?  We want them to be so much more than we were or are.  We want all the happiness injected into them but know that won't come without pain.  And shouldn't.  For it's the pain that makes the heart sore higher.  It's the suffering that makes the situation sweeter.  This, my girl knows to be true.  She's witnessed it first hand.  So many children do as they grow.  Childhood, for better or worse, I tend to think better -  is not without battle wounds.  Thank God.

Last year, (New Year's Day 2023 to be exact) my daughter told me she wanted to build a better relationship with God.  On her own terms.  Meaning, not the way I was doing it.  Not that mine was bad.  She just knew she wanted a different plan.  She wanted to carve her own path.  So when someone she met last Summer told her about a Scottsdale church he thought she would enjoy... she went.  And she hasn't stopped going.  The lessons are very similar to the ones we've been teaching her, I think she is aware of that, but they're coming from a different source which has reinforced the foundation we built.  Because of this renewed  "Jesus Power"... she has become incredibly optimistic, centered and steady.  These are all qualities she desperately needed this year.  It would inevitably prepare her for what's to come, in college, on her own and away from her parents. 

And as we too get ready for her departure, I trust, "teach a child the way he should go...  and when he is old, he will not depart from it"  Proverbs 22:6.

We have done what we can.  We have done well.  She will do better.  She will take it from here.  God will protect her, provide for her and provoke her to do just as he plans.  For his plan is far better than any of ours. 

Okay awesome. 

So where does that leave me?  Where does that leave all of the parents who still want to hold their child's hand when they cross the street?  

I honestly don't entirely know. 

But - if I had to guess - I would say: I should remind myself I needed my Mom a lot in college.  Just in a different way.  I still needed her, and my Dad, when I graduated.  I needed my parents when I got my first serious job.  I needed them when I got married.  I even needed them when I had babies.  Shoot, I needed to hear my Dad's voice almost daily... until that wasn't an option anymore.  

Which means, I guess that need - never really goes away.  It just changes.  So I need to change, too.

Showing God

 The Headlines:

God is working for you.

Are you working for him?

And... can people tell?

I have long been a Christian.  My Grandfather was a Lutheran Minister and growing up my family and I went to church every Sunday. I have always had a close relationship with God.  I pray and talk to him all the time.  I know bible stories galore and am very secure with and in my Christianity.  I rely on it everyday.

So, one day, back when I worked for the local NBC station in Phoenix, Arizona... something shocking happened.  As I was chatting and getting ready for air, I said something to my anchor at the time... when she looked at me quizzically and said, "wait, you're a Christian?"  Ohhhhhhhhh boy.  I was paralyzed.  Embarrassed.   Kinda Sickened.  "Of course,"  I replied, "it's like, the most important thing to me!"  

How did she not know that?    

HIDING GOD?

Cleary, it didn't seem to be.  Apparently, I wasn't showing God.  I wasn't talking about him.  I wasn't acting on him.  He was hidden.  Yet... he was truly the most important thing to me.  How could that be?  It was shameful.  If something is important to you, you show it.  People know.  

I'm reading a book right now, "Elijah"  by Priscilla Shirer.   In it Shirer contends what you do, how you spend your time, money, efforts... is what you, in a sense, worship.  It's like your God.  Gulp.   Think about that one.  

What do people know about you?  What do you show?  What is important?  

For instance, if you're at dinner and you dip out to the restroom... does your bestie know what to order you?  I bet she does.  If you're single and you like guys with red hair....  are your girlfriends looking for carrot topped men for you?  Probably.  If you dream to be a professional golfer - do people know where you'll be on a beautiful (not windy) morning in Scottsdale?  Of course.  Because you show all those things.  

That Anchor friend of mine knew I liked fine dinners, fine wine and fine facials.  But she had no idea that my biggest "find" had nothing to do with the finer things in life.  It had everything to do with My God.  But I needed to show it.  And fast.  Now, no, I didn't go on Television that morning declaring to all, "In Phoenix, Nicole McGregor, I'm a Christian.... 12 News" but it did change me.  From that point forward, I was keenly aware that I needed to TALK my WALK.  

TAKE 2

*As the years passed I became a Mom.  This is when you really get a chance to talk and walk with God.  In fact, I've noticed it's at this time when many are brought closer toward God.  Through their children.  There are opportunities like Pre-School, Sunday School or camps.  You never realize this when you're a child yourself.  But turns out when you're a kid - people throw lots of opportunities at you.  They want to create environments where the child can learn and grow.  

Those opportunities tend to dry up as we age (like everything else).  Until all of the sudden you look around and see absolutely no opportunities that you don't make for yourself.  Feel me?  So, unbeknownst to us (at the time), children need to seize these amazing chances at lasso-ing something special.  Like drawing, like building, like... God.*  

Parents are lucky too because they can piggyback on what their kids are being exposed to...  including God.  Some don't need an introduction to God but they might need to get reacquainted with him.  Maybe we all need that actually.  My children of course were baptized.  We pledged to make God a center of our lives for not only ourselves but our children.  I was Mary and BP was Joseph at church on Christmas when our daughter was just a few months old.  They both went to a Christian Pre-School.  My daughter goes to a Christian (Catholic) High School.  We go to church as much as our schedules allow.  I try to read Christian books and attend bible studies.  I make it one of my priorities.  It's still not enough.  It probably never will be and I'm okay with that.  What I'm not okay with is someone looking at me, shockingly, and saying "you're a Christian?"  No, please, never ever again.  

I want to make sure people know that my God is more important than my Gucci.  I do not want there to be any question about that.  I don't worship people, planes or purses.  Only him.  I hope my actions and words show God everyday.  And most importantly, I need this to trickle down... to those little people who I'm in charge of making big Christians.  

I think it's working.  Here's why.

SHOWING GOD 

Almost every night I take my son to bed.  We talk, pray, sing, sometimes I cry (ok, I cry a lot).  It is a special time.  On this occasion, my son was about to embark upon a baseball tournament.  We, as per usual, started to pray but while I typically lead it... this night , I asked him to do it.  "You can use the extra prayers, maybe you should request strength this weekend."  He had been a little under the weather.  He prayed.  The next day,  the team played great.  He, in particular had a really good game.  So when we came back that night for prayer I suggested he may want to do the honors again.  And after yet another day of amazing play - it came time to pray.  This, you see, was a 3 day tournament.  The first we've ever had.  But this time, before prayer, I asked him: "Hey, who are you playing baseball for?"  He thought about this for a while.  A good 30 seconds.  He answered: "me..."  "Oh," I said, 

"what if you started playing for God?"  

He wasn't baffled.  Instead he looked at me and said... "that's what I was gonna say!"  I asked if maybe, when he stepped onto the field... if he should give it to him?  

Give God the glory.  

Play ball in his honor.  All the time.  I told him he didn't have to point to heaven when he ran over home plate.  He didn't have to make the sign of the cross over his chest when he got a good hit.  I didn't want him, in any way, to act like the pro's do.  He just had to be himself.  Do what he thought right.  I encouraged saying a prayer before or as he took the field.  I didn't explain exactly when or how to do this... I figured he could work that out.

The next day my son's team played ball again.  They won two more games.  They went all the way to the last game.  The Championship.  I didn't know what unfolded at the time, but was told later.  

Before that last game my son, #3, (for yes... all the reasons why you can imagine and more) PRAYED.  

He got on his knees in the dug out, leaned on that long bench, humbled himself before our Lord... and he started to pray.  That 10 year old little guy prayed in front of all of his team mates.  By himself.  But not for long.  Soon, one little boy asked him what he was doing and when he told him he joined.  Then there were two.  Until another little boy asked them what they were up to and he kneeled beside them both.  From what I was told, it wasn't much later that all of those kids were alongside each other praying before that game.  Showing God.

Wow.

My little man, bravely did what, apparently, I couldn't do all those years earlier.  He Showed God.  Boldly, unapologetically, perfectly.   I was proud.  Not for the baseball game.  Oh no, they lost that one.  Two to zilch.  Even after all those little prayers. 

HE'S GOT YOU

But that's how God works.

Sure, it would have been even better if they had won the game.  Or maybe not.  Because that's not always how life goes.  Just because you ask for something... doesn't mean you get it.  In fact, often times you don't.  I know you know that.  But I think, no matter what the score board said,  those boys won that day.  They won something way bigger than the first place ring.  They hit a homer out of the park when they kneeled before him.  When they Showed up for God.  Showed the world, or at least our little part of it, that he's there, everywhere, all the time.  They showed he's in charge.  Even during a kids baseball  game.  It's amazing how so many of us rely, solely, on ourselves.  Like, we got this... when we don't.  He's got it.  He empowers US to go get it.  

STEP AND REPEAT 

If you've read this far I think you're into this.  So do me a favor and go back up and read the paragraph that's starred under TAKE TWO.  Then come back and meet me right here.

Did you read it again?  Okay so now...

Create YOUR opportunity to Show God.  You're not 5 anymore, no one's reading you bible stories or taking your hand and helping you cross the street.   You have to do it.  And see, God needs you to... heck the world needs you to do this right now.  There's a lot of people out there NOT Showing God but we can change that.  It just takes you.  

I hope my son understands that now.  Or at least is starting to... may that never change when he's angry, or sick, or hurt... or lost.  Because he will lose more baseball games even when he's Showing God.  We all will suffer from time to time, some more than others... even though we're showing up.  But that doesn't mean we stop.  

Naaaaaah... that's when we lean in more.  And more.  

Finally tonight, when I was in my 20's my Mom got me one of my favorites gifts.  In the eyes of the world, sadly, it wouldn't be much.  But to me... it meant everything.  It was a simple wood frame with words underneath the glass.  It said:

Nicole,

Trust me.

I have everything under control.

Jesus

Wow.  And all I had to do... was show up.

 

  

   

What I will Tell my Child about High School

The Headlines:

You have a baby...  

And they grow up.

Has this happened to you?  You head to the hospital to have a baby and then you take them home.  They go to sleep... you wake up and they're in high school.  

That's truly how life works.  It's just that quick.  

They are your little boy/girl and then overnight they are a complete adult.  Their voices change.  They have opinions.  They get boy/girl friends.  They find themselves.  They lose themselves.  They go out ALL THE TIME.  They seem to not need you.

But they do.  They definitely do. 

My daughter is ready to grow into her own person but she also still wants my input as to how that happens.  She wants to know if a sharp right turn is a good idea or if veering there is better.  And I want to tell her.  But I'm treading lightly.  

Why?  Because I want her to know that many decisions are now hers to make.  Now,  I'm here to see her make them.  In 4 more years, I won't be.

After 14 years, this time of input isn't "my way or the highway"  but rather, here's what I would do - so what do you think you should do?  It's hard letting go of that control but I've seen what happens if you don't... either clear cut resentment and anger or a child who never knows how to make decisions on their own.  

Neither is good.  

It's like High School is a 4 year training program: into adulthood.  Cause they're going there with or without our help.  

High School is also the last time we get full time with this little girl in our house.  And that, my friends, is somewhat excruciating, isn't it?  My husband lived for almost 3 years in California doing his job.  Good job experience - not so great for the family.  He missed her entire Middle School.  Time he will never get back.  He "moved home," a few months ago.  I thank God he won't miss her High School in the same way.  These next few years will be a fresh and fast new reality that will go a little like this...

Freshman - pretty similar to 8th grade.  She's new to HS... she will proceed with caution. Make new friends.  It's still Corona time.

Sophomore - she'll be more comfortable.  Lots of friends and activities will follow.  Life will start to speed up (COVID will be mostly behind us - hopefully), she'll be preparing to drive.   

Junior - so much happens this year.  Freedom abounds. College visits, studies and sports hit a high,  she is in her High School prime!

Senior -  she's speeding up while winding down.  she may begin to hate us.  She's practically out the door. 

And then she is... gone.  Off to college.  

As suddenly as she came roaring in to our lives - she darts out.  So what can I tell her during these 4 incredibly formative years?  Do I have any knowledge to share?  I do.  You do too. Maybe it goes something like this:

Dear Dream Come True, 

Get ready for the time of your life.  

These 4 years can be incredible.  There will be major highs and deep lows.  Studies will consume you.  People will confuse you.  You will find a Best Friend Freshman year who may not be a Friend Senior year.  There will be opportunities before you that you have to take advantage of and focus on.  Be true to yourself while remaining supportive of others.  Do not pretend to be someone you're not.  Try something new.  Something unexpected.  As long as it's legal.  Remember three's a crowd so maneuver that carefully.  Be on Social Media, do not rely on it.  Talk to people more than snapping them.  Make friends for who they are, not what they can do for you.  Find a crush but don't marry them.  Laugh ALL THE TIME.  And don't eat frozen yogurt with sourdough bread every afternoon.  That did terrible things to my rear when I was your age.  

Let me break it down: 

Find yourself and through that you will find others.  

Help others and you will become true.

Be true and kind and kindness will follow.  

You have so much to give, so much depth and potential that I cannot wait to see where it will lead you.  Or where you will lead.  Because the girl you are today is just the beginning of the woman you will be tomorrow.   

Please know, during all 4 years of high school... your family will be here.  By your side.  The entire time.  We will wait to see you soar, stop to catch your fall, dry the tears that come and cheer when you stand tall.  By yourself, not alone.  

That's not reassure you.  It's our Promise to you.  

Trust in that...  trust in God and trust in yourself.  If you do that, fully and heartily - the rest will be "easy".

All our love and prayers,

Your Mom, Dad and Brother

Yes, High School is fleeting but I contend it leaves a lasting mark on many.  It can set the tone for the rest of ones life.  In many different ways.  

In this day in age, of COVID, I am certain the "Coronnials" as I call them... will not only have the typical trials and tribulations of growing up but they will have so much more.  

Perhaps the challenge will make some rise.  It will also make others crumble.  It's their choice which path they take.  As a parent of a high schooler I want to encourage my child to push her limit beyond what others would have imagined.  The opportunities will flow like a thriving waterfall if they see and live it that way. 

When I brought my little bundle home from the hospital I knew we were in for a wild rollercoaster ride.  Just never thought the ride would take us to High School... the very next morning.  

Pin for later:

Happy Father's Day... p.s. Thank You God

The Headlines:



How Do You Celebrate Father's Day...

When He's Gone?



The other day my daughter asked my husband what he wanted for Father's Day... he simply replied, "My Dad back"

This Father's Day Is Going to be Hard
Not because it's the first Father's Day without my Dad but because it's another one.

Wow, does time fly.

3-3-2019 was my Dad's last day on Earth.

It was one of the most painful days for me.  As it is for anyone who loses someone.  Now, as we go through this crazy time of our lives... (COVID)  I, all of us actually, have more time to think about the way life used to be.  Before his death.  Ironic how a person's death can change your life.

I've wanted to write this post since he passed.  I first started doing so within a day of him being gone.
I planned on writing it more for me than anything else.  My hope is the words that come out here will set them free from me forever.  Perhaps it will lessen the stabbing pain that, over time, turned into a dull hurt that just exists within...

But maybe not.  I have cried many tears.  I'm almost fresh out.

Crushing News
It was February, 2019.  My Father called to tell me they suspected he had lung cancer.   I was gutted.  But thought... this will be a long battle we can take on.  See, my Mother In Law had just dealt with lung cancer herself and she had made it through the storm.  A "survivor" for just shy of 3 years now.

Two weeks later, as my Father was scheduling his appointments and making his plans, his breathing suddenly got worse.  Now, mind you, he already had the chronic condition of COPD so breathing trouble was something we were all familiar with.   But this was different and I was worried so I told him to go to urgent care.  He didn't want to... until later that day when he had no choice.  He landed in the ICU with Pneumonia.  We all figured he would be given a walking breathing machine which he'd have to lug around the rest of his life but that was not the case.  He was in ICU for 4-5 nights before they moved him into a regular hospital room.  I didn't know it yet, but this was because doctors felt between the COPD, Pneumonia and Cancer (which had metastasized to his adrenal glands and bones)... they didn't suspect he'd live very long.

They were right.

I'm an only child.  We were a close family of 3.  Life never gave my parents anything they didn't work for.  Dad went to night school to earn his BA, while he was working full time and a father to a newborn.  My mother quit her job to raise me.  She didn't buy special purses.  They didn't go on tons of big trips.  There were no huge peaks and no deep valleys.  I felt safe, secure and very loved.  Until now... for some reason I felt that safety slipping away.

While my Father was in the hospital, I was in Arizona being a Mom.  My daughter had a dance competition and had gotten sick with the flu during it.  I caught that flu so I couldn't rush to my Dads side when I was needed.  Finally, when I did reach the hospital I was quickly given the news.

There was nothing else they could do.

Those are words that crush you.  You feel powerless, devestated and maybe a little mad all at once.   Doctors believed the best option was hospice.  My Father felt so bad... not for himself.  For me and my Mom.  He felt responsible for this horrible predicament we were in because he was the one who didn't stop smoking even after I repeatedly begged him for years as a child, teen and adult.  I wished I wasn't right.  Or maybe I just wished he had listened to me.  Not because I knew better but because he did.  My Dad had always taken care of my Mom and I and suddenly he would no longer be able to do so.  I would lose the biggest cheerleader of my life.

"Are you happy?" he asked after I received the dire news.  A sweet homage to something I used to say all the time as a child when people seemed down... "NO Dad," I said, "No I am really really not happy" and neither was he.  But, as he clutched the stuffed animal from his granddaughter and the blanket from his grandson (below), the man kept a brave face the whole time.  He would "keep pounding" for as long as he could.

The next day was spent laughing and talking, discussing and crying.  The decision had been made to go home so the preparation began.  The doctors gave him a couple weeks.  I was focused on those weeks... appreciating the time I had ahead to love on him as much as I could.

He was released to go home on a Friday and when he got there he adamantly told my Mom "it wouldn't be long,"  I thought that was his way of trying to ease her mind.  He always tried to do that... but now I'm not sure.  I now think he knew something the doctors didn't.

He perked up when he got home.  I was surprised but encouraged.  It was on this day he relayed the last stories he would ever tell.  I had heard the same stories at least 333 times before... about how I got my middle name and how all 3 of our birthdays and my parents anniversary lined up in a very sweet, coincidental way.  But this time, as he spoke, I knew it was different.  Because I had a feeling those proud stories would never be heard, from his lips, again.

Now I longed to hear the stories I dreaded over the years.

You know, the ones where you roll your eyes as they're being told?  He would talk endlessly about me to anyone who would listen.  Stories about the day I was born - when the raced from Corona Del Mar to the Newport Beach Hospital - where my Mom almost had me in the car.  Or the first time I tasted ice cream or chocolate or when another pre-schooler thought I was a boy.  I'd never hear about the best friend he named Begonia (her name was Tanya) or the time one of his clients kept calling to hear the voicemail I had left on the machine because it was so funny,  or when I called him from college crying about having no money in my checking account,  or the time he dropped me off in Kennewick, Washington for my first TV job in the dead of Winter and feared for my life.

I would never hear any of that any more... and it was crushing.

I cherished those stories for that brief and final time.  It meant he was in a good spot.  But I was not.  My sickness had come roaring back in.  I needed to rest.  So we all went to sleep.

I thought we could pick up where we left off the next day.  But he couldn't talk very well.  His breathing had gotten worse and he wanted nothing to do with food... though he let me slowly stuff an Italian Ice down his throat.  It was during this time that he said to me, "this is taking too long."  Dad never wanted to be hooked up to stuff lying in a bed waiting to pass away.  He had made that abundantly clear over the years.  Shortly after that through his hoarse voice he said, "I want to go home" to which I replied, "You are home Dad."   But he was not in the home he was speaking of... he was ready to go to Heaven.

The Gift that Keeps on Giving  
That was the greatest gift he ever gave me,  teaching me, that home was always where your Lord lived.  It was a lesson that some may take for granted.  I have not.  I never will.

I said goodbye to Dad that night.  Nothing poetic or special... I just tearfully gave him a kiss and told him I'd be back.  I had to leave California and go to my Arizona house because I needed to repack, see my children, get healthier and come back to him.  I would be gone a little more than 24 hours.  As I knew it... he had weeks.  I spent the next day calling friends, getting his Pastor to make one last visit (Dad's request) and arranging for around the clock care.  Care we would have to pay for... I was happy to do it.  Dad was not.

No matter, he didn't have to pay for that care.

They called me that day and said he was barely responding.  The 4 breathing machines we had learned on Friday were no longer needed by Sunday.  He was one step above life support.  Hospice would not be leaving his side.  My Dad would be happy to know we wouldn't have to pay a nurse $25 an hour.  I think he pulled some strings with God for that one.  In the middle of the night, the day after I left, they called to say he was gone.  It was his 3rd day on hospice.   March 3rd.  I wasn't there.  Greatest regret.

You'd think the story would end there.  But you'd be wrong.

God was Not Finished Yet
My 8 year old son sent the above text to my Dad's phone a couple days after he passed.  I'm not sure why.  Grandpa Gordon wasn't going to answer.  Apparently it was his way of trying to reach out to someone he loved and missed dearly.  If only he could answer.

During the time my Father was sick, our family dog, Maverick, who also had his share of breathing problems, declined.  His favorite person on earth (besides us)... was my Dad.  He was on some meds but they didn't seem to be working.  Maverick was old, 16 years old.  That's like a serious senior Labrador.  But the decline was too hard to ignore.  His breathing was more labored than ever before.  Oddly, similar to my Fathers.  But he carried on.

It was about 3 weeks later after my Dad died that my husband called to tell me some horrible news about his Father.  After dinner and a brief celebration of his Mom's recent Cancer "clear" news - his Dad had some sort of stroke (hemorrhage) in his home, was found unconscious and was rushed to the ER.

The news was grim.

He never woke up after that.  Doctors soon explained there was no hope for any positive recovery.  I got on a plane a day later to say goodbye to the man who had raised the person I have to come to know as one of the strongest, most loyal and caring individuals I have ever met and it was excruciating.  But we did it.  Together.

We then came home to tell our children the shocking news, their Grandpa Gary had passed, and watch our daughter in a dance competition. I remember being so worried about our dog, Mav, as his decline was incredibly noticeable.  When we went to bed that night we were both emotionally exhausted.  I tried to feed Maverick but he wasn't much interested in his food.  That was odd but after what we'd been through I didn't push it.  He laid in a corner of our bathroom I'd never seen him in before, while that too was odd, I just let him be.

Goodbye Again 
It was in the middle of that night that he wailed in a way I'd never heard before.  It was like a howl.  I immediately woke up and turned on the light.  Before me was a dog who could no longer move the bottom half of his body.  It looked as though he was paralyzed from the waist down.

 Fortunately, due to the cicumstances,  my husband was home.  He was supposed to be in Florida.
We gave him a portion of a tranquilizer to calm him down and in the morning I told my kids they should say goodbye to the only pet they've ever known.  When we got back to the house after taking the kids to school Maverick was in yet another corner.  I'm sure he shimmied himself there since his bottom half was not working at all.  We retreated to the office to talk about what to do and the same yelp wailed from his gut.

I couldn't believe this was happening.  For a third time in almost as many weeks.

We rushed him to the vet and he gave us some choices.  None of them good.  All of them almost cruel.  So I asked him about the last choice... the one no one wanted to mention.  He agreed that was the best option.  That dog looked right into my eyes - almost begging for me to let him go.  I had just seen those same eyes in my Father.

The next step was peaceful and painful at the same time.

If you ever have to do it you'll know what I mean.  We left and I'm pretty sure I had a panic attack in the car.  Once home I walked in to the house and because it was so silent - I walked right back out.  I just couldn't do it.  I needed to sit outside and cry.  But as I did my husband came over, comforted me and said... "You're not gonna believe what I'm looking at..."

Sign From Above 

As I sat on the wall, the sun high above my head, my shadow was a spitting image of our dog's silhouette.  How could that be I asked?  It just was... the shape of my shadow was him.

It was all I needed.  Those 3 were in Heaven looking down on us.  Together.

They were happy.  We were devastated.  So much sadness.  So many tears.  All of it a coincidence yet none of it a coincidence. God was certainly talking to us.

The Power of 3's
People always say things happen in 3's.

Even though I didn't know it - it has always been significant in my life.  Why?  I think it's to remind us of God's presence.  The number 3 holds huge significance in the bible.  Think about it.

Father/Son/Holy Ghost.  There were 3 crucified when Jesus was up on that cross.  He rose on the 3rd day.  Mary, Joseph, Baby Jesus.  3 Wiseman (or at least 3 gifts).  The list goes on.  So I'm pretty sure this was all part of a plan.

The Greatest Lessons
I have never experienced death like I did in 2019.  I hope I don't have to again anytime soon but I did learn some things.  I learned in the weeks before death everything you do are mountains, not mole hills.  Every word said, step taken, picture snapped.  They all matter more.  So soak them in... take your time.  You will never get that moment back.  Ever.  And the loss will be felt.  Some time.  Either right then, or when you're driving down the street.  Perhaps when you're at a park or watching a commercial.  It will hit you when you least expect it.

So in order to avoid having any regrets... take your time while going through this time.

I also learned life after death, for the living, is just like the movies.  You wake up in the home that used to be filled with noise of that person no longer there and the silence is deafening.  It is an unreal, new reality.

In my case, I learned that when your parent dies you finally and officially grow up.  I think this is true for everyone.  You can be 70, 50, 30 or 13.... but under no circumstances can you run to them anymore and ask for help.  It is totally and completely up to you now and forever more.

I should mention my Father left behind not only me but the woman he loved for years.  My Mom was his responsibility.  He (maybe sometimes begrudgingly) loved caring for her.  But he had been telling me in the years leading up to his last day that her memory was fading.  He was right.  She is now officially diagnosed with Alzheimers.

So we will celebrate this Father's Day together.

God is speaking to you.
Perhaps most importantly, this whole experience left me with one glaring and blaring message.  I believe it's the most important lesson I learned during this time.

That is simply this... God speaks to each and everyone of us throughout our lives.

But in order to hear him we have to be listening.  Because he's not picking up the phone.  There are no door bells ringing.  No one's coming over an intercom saying "Nicole, God's on line one!"  We have to be looking and willing to hear his voice.

On my last Birthday while my Dad was alive, he wrote me a letter.  He had never once done that before in his life.  Just wasn't his style.  

My daughter asked him to... she knew words mattered very much to me.  In it he said that he was proud.  That it had been such a joy to see me grow.  He said, "You wear many hats.  You are a daughter, wife and mother.  All hats look very good on you which means you are doing things right."

Dad made me believe I was the best.  Not the best Realtor or Journalist or Party Planner.  But I was simply the best daughter and person he could ever know.  He always made that abundantly clear.  And that filled me up.  I can only hope that I am doing that for my children.   At the end of the letter he reminded me, "all of us our blessed" and closed with "p.s. Thank You God"

Through this process the good Lord was shouting at me all of those things.  And he's constantly seeking my attention now.  He still has more to say.

Yes, I miss my Dad.  More than anything.  But when I look back on the time I wrote about here it's like I was living out a good, long Novel written just for me (and my family).  Each and every move orchestrated by someone from above.  I wish he was still here today but (among many things) God was telling me he was needed more in heaven.

Today, our life continues to be blessed, even through the madness that has followed us as well as the entire country in which we live right now.  Since Dad left I now manage all aspects of Mom's life.  I am happy to do so... because she has always taken care of me and my family right back.  For that matter, in some ways, so too does my Dad.  Directly and indirectly, he is still there.  

That... all part of God's plan.  Glad I was listening.  

So what may God be telling you?  Because I promise he's trying to get your attention.  Somehow.

Finally tonight, 
A week ago, more than a year after we lost our dog Maverick, my Dad and Father In Law.... we decided it was time to get a new puppy.  A Silver Lab.  Seen one of those?  Many have these gorgeous blue eyes when they're young.  They're kind of rare.  This, we believed, was the perfect Summer to get a pup.  Not much sports or traveling happening so... we drove all the way to a small town called Pearsall in the SouthWest part of Texas to pick up the new addition.  As we made our way to the Ranch where he was born... we turned the corner only to see a big sign that read: "Maverick Self Storage".

Turns out Pearsall, Texas is home of the "Mavericks"... now isn't that a coincidence?

Actually... no it's not.  It's really not a coincidence at all.

Happy Father's Day Dad.  Thanks for still being there... even when you're not.
P.S. Thank you God.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

The Headlines:



Since COVID-19 our entire country is stuck inside.

Are you going to panic? 

Or...?



The other day my neighbor asked me if I wanted some lemons.  Her trees produced too many and she wanted to share if I was up for some.

Ahhhhh.... YES!

See, I like to "decorate" with produce.  It just brings a fresh, Spring feel to the house.  Little did I know that those lemons would come in handy.   I would not just use them for decoration.

Since the Corona Virus, aka COVID-19, came racing into our lives it's pretty clear these are  unprecedented modern times. We've heard much about past pandemics.  Like in a far off, historical way.  Including the Asian Flu, Spanish Flu, AIDS.  For the record, turns out Ebola was not a Pandemic but an epidemic since it was confined to West Africa.

With today's Medicine many of us thought this day would never come.  But it's here.  And it has a lot of us concerned, uncomfortable and downright scared.

So now the question is... how are you handling COVID-19?  What are you showing to your kids?  Who are you becoming?  Really?  Think about it.  Are you fighting for toilet paper or picking up some goods for your neighbor.  Taking or giving?  Are you praying or pouting?

Do not get me wrong.  It's bad.  Some people are affected greatly and sadly by this virus.  My cousin is one of them.  She was in the ICU in the west side of Washington State for about a week, doctors say she almost didn't make it.  She is not 75.  She's my age.  Which means a young chick.  Just kidding.  Let's leave it at - not 75.  She's now healing at home and is expected to be okay.  We continue to hope.

I'm really not trying to be some high on herself Mom who has no worries or concerns.  I know this is not good.  I am aware people are losing their jobs, struggling to make ends meet, worried for their children and their grandmothers.  I am one of them.

But I'm also choosing to see beyond all that is horrible. Stop and think: Has there ever been a time or will there ever be a time again that we will be with our families with nothing to do but be together?  In fact, quite the opposite.  When this is over - because it will be over - we're all going to have to get to work.  We'll have a lot of catching up to do.  The appointments will come back, sports will start, work will pick up.  YOU WILL GO TO THE MALL and OUT TO DINNER.

Until then, consider this - those lemons -  know what we did with them?  We made lemonade for the first time.  We made lemonade.  Something so simple.  Something we have never had the "time" to do before.  What else are we doing?  We're sleeping in.  I am writing in this blog (which I never get to do)!  We discuss, together, what we're having each night for dinner.  I've seen families walking in our neighborhood.  Never seen that before.  We hang out in the backyard, the front yard.  We watch TV shows together.  In fact, we're running out.

Any ideas?  Seriously, let me know.  What do families watch these days?

I'm even playing basketball with my son (a first).  My daughter is creating art for her room.   All of these things were not happening 2 weeks ago.  Instead, we were on a hamster wheel trying to catch up.  Never stopping.  Constantly running.

The world is a different place and while it's a change we didn't see coming it may be the 180 we needed.  I ran in to my friend at Target today.  We stayed (almost) 6 feet away and she said something I believe is true, "God is trying to get our attention."  I agree with her.  Someone (I choose to believe it's God) desperately wants to remind us to take a break, slow down and look up.  See what's right in front of you.  Appreciate what you have.  Pay attention to it.

Now... grab hold of it.

Yesterday I watched the local news.  I live in Arizona so I was watching CBS 5 and my good friend Paul Horton (we did news together years ago in WA state and then re-connected here) was doing the weather forecast FROM HIS HOME.  His two adorable children were climbing all over him and it was precious.  When will that happen again?  Maybe never.  But it's happening now.

This time will come to an end.  We will be healthier.  People will go back to work and school (thank you Jesus).  The alarm will wake us up at 5:45 again.  And then, this one moment in time, will be gone.  That brief period of your personal history when we got to be together with no strings attached, nothing to do, no where to go...  will be all over.  We'll tell our grandkids about it in story book fashion and, contrary to popular belief now, one day, we may actually long for it.

Because the bottom line is, if you stay healthy, have food (toilet paper/paper towels) as long as you have some dollars (which lawmakers are about to roll out a stimulus) if you have a roof over your head... you and your family will be ok.  You'll be fine.  Remember that.  Believe it.  Tell your kids that... they need to see and hear it.  Not from President Trump.  From you.

Finally tonight, Sunday I saw 60 minutes.  Haven't watched that show in a while either.  They had a man by the name of Neil Kashkari, the current president of the National Reserve Bank and a former Treasury official who helped get us out of the 2008 economic crash and what he said was good.  He admits this Corona Crisis will be a difficult financial situation that could get better or worse, depending on how long we stay "sick."  But he also said something we need to hold on to - a message that is so important for us to remember right now (which covers yet goes beyond the financial assessment he was speaking to)... he said: we got through the last devestating financial crisis and we will get through this one.  

Together.

And while we're waiting... make some Lemonade.
Here's to being cautious and careful, my friends, but not crazy.

Love and blessings,
Nicole

To see his Neil Kashkari's full interview on 60 Minutes click HERE




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