Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The Right One.

The Headlines:

Finding a husband is easy.

Finding the right one is hard.  




How hard is marriage?  Let's be honest ladies.  It's stinking hard!

The easy part is the wedding.  That is usually just like the movies.  Lots of people, major money being thrown around, champagne, gifts, the good life.  But then after your honeymoon, it's just you and him.  The party is oh-vah!  Real life has begun.  That's the part brides and grooms tend to forget.  It's where the real work begins.  And if you and he aren't in sync… slippery roads ahead!  So finding the right one matters, on many levels.  There can be lots of right nows.  But thee - right one - you know, your person?  He who sticks with you from this point forward... they're out there… you just have the daunting task of finding them.

This past weekend I celebrated my Wedding Anniversary to the man I was born to marry.  How do you know who you're born to marry?  Some see it in their children, others feel it in a kiss and then there are those that just know by a laugh or a feeling.  I knew if I didn't marry this guy - someday I would regret it.


At the very core of each relationship it's the same.  Love, support, honor and respect.  Sounds easy enough but then personality, looks, attitudes, heck even smells - get in the way.  Once you're through the superficial stuff you have to get down to the meat of the matter.  Because if you find them - you have to trust them.  You have to be willing to open your heart and let someone else in.  Then, you have to trust that they will not only WANT in but that they will STAY in!  It's complex.  Getting it right is not for the faint of heart.  Keeping it is even harder.  But letting go could be the biggest mistake of all.


I am glad I took that leap of faith.  But it hasn't been easy.  BP (the husband) can be a real pain in the tush.  So can I.  Anyone who says their marriage is perfect is LYING.  Because people aren't perfect.  The big question is:
 can you put up with their amount of imperfection? 

If the answer is yes - then it's a go.  If it's a no - then it's a no go.  People will not change.  Especially for a relationship and especially if they're over the age of like 12.  

Why?  Because at the very core of every human being is (and should be) a certain amount of selfishness.  And in a sense, there has to be for self preservation.  So being selfish isn't a bad thing as long as it's met with a large dose of humility, empathy and kindness for the spouse.  For instance, a narcissistic person has a hard time of maintaining a healthy relationship.  I can attest to that as I witness a friend of mine go through a divorce whose husband is a complete narcissist pig!  But I digress… bottom line is: in a marriage everyone wants a piece of the pie but there's only so many slices to be cut.  Add kids to the recipe and the slices get even thinner.  We may want what we want when we want it… but so too may the children.  Whose slice gets smaller?  If you marry someone who doesn't understand that… right can go wrong in an instant. 

I met BP when I was in college.  20 years old.  Kids ourselves, way too early to get married.  I needed to take the time to grow, learn, seek, work, make mistakes.  We both did all of that.  We got married about 10 years later.  I've never looked back.  All in.  Forever.  My slices get very small sometimes and so do his, occasionally, but we're okay sharing with everyone. 

This weekend we did nothing over the top.  He gave me the flowers above.  I gave him a funky tie and some crazy dress socks (since they're so "in" right now!)  He also made some AMAZING beef ribs on the grill.  We opened up this bottle of wine.  Look closely at the label.


It's "Nicole's"  Red blend from the Alexander Valley.  Excellent by the way!  But the most important part was the card.  Every year he opens up his heart and his mind to me through his words.  As a communicator myself I need it.  He gets me every time.  From top to bottom.  Of course I write to him as well.   Far beyond "Happy Anniversary"… he deserves to be reminded how lucky I am to be with him.  Someone who could adore and support me, hold me but handle me…  A man who could be a kind father, leader, "fixer-upper" and entertainer.  A friend who listened, advised, provided and divided.  All of those things added up to be - the right one - for me.

The life we have made for each other is stunning and special and yes - far from perfect.   As I said before, nothing is.  But it is just right for us.

Hopefully yours is too.