Monday, August 18, 2014

The Love of a Son.

The Headlines:

I am my baby boy's first love.

But I won't be for long.

Sigh...




My son is 3 years old.  I love that boy.  And he really loves me.  That sounds weird to say out loud but it's true.  Why does he love me so…?  Besides birthing him, which really doesn't guarantee love at all… I am the one and only consistent woman in his life.  My daughter had many "caregivers" that spent equal time with her (a nanny in the a-m, me in the afternoon and her Dad at night).  Since I quit my job when my son was born he has had…. me.  There's another girl in his life, his sister, but I'm different.

LOUDLY
I can honestly say we have adored each other since the moment he was born.  If you have a son… you probably know what I mean.  The moment he looked into my eyes at the hospital I knew he was my guy (my daughter's my girl) - so no better than my her - but different.


When I went home from the hospital I told BP (the husband) "I'm sorry, I have a new man in my life…" and I was serious.  Maybe it's because I worked so hard for him.  I tried for a long time to get that kid so perhaps deep down inside he knows that and appreciates it.  But not really.  I tend to think it's more universal than that.

I believe there is something to "mama's little boy" and "daddy's little girl"… the opposite sex attracting, the innate search for a spouse that begins at birth, I have no clue but it's there.  And that's okay but it's also a lot of responsibility, right?  As if parents don't have enough to deal with -- now we're also responsible for the people they end up marrying.  Because, on some level, we are you know.  Your son or daughter is watching everything you do from the time they are born until the time they get married and they're either going to marry someone very similar or someone completely opposite.  Sometimes it's somewhere in between but the point is… what you do now matters.


But I digress… back to the original point of the post which is simply… someday the love I receive from my son - will end up with another woman.  I will be replaced.  It's normal, it has to happen but to think about it is sad.  And odd.  I know it's really early, but I can't help it.  It hit me the other night when I was taking him to bed.

Since his birth day this has been my job.  He will NOT let anyone else do it, even his Father, if I am in the house.  Don't get me wrong, he loves his dad a ton and sometimes he's allowed to read to him before the official bedtime "ritual" begins (which includes turning off lights, praying, singing and then sleeping) but when it comes to that ritual -- everyone is ordered out -- except me.  On this night, last week, his Dad was reading to him with me there.  It was a sweet book about a Mom and son telling each other how much they love each other.  As Dad read, my son looked at me and stroked my face, adoringly, like admiring every part of my little head.  At that moment it was clear - as it has been many times before - he is not only the love of my life - but I am his.  For now.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end.  Including that… yep, someday, hopefully later than sooner… that will change.

I am getting ahead of myself.  Last week my son started 3's pre-school.   So this "loss of love" is not imminent but the little milestones get you to think.

QUIETLY
We all know someday (like by 7) my son is no longer going to kiss me with his juicy lips, or tell me over and over again I'm his "best girl…" he is no longer going to insist I watch every move that he makes in the pool and he will certainly not need me to take him to bed anymore.  Inevitably, somewhere in his 20's someone else will be on the receiving end of all that attention.

Though far way,  I can already imagine that's a hard thing for many Moms to handle.  Possibly even painful.  I know some Moms that don't handle it well.  They resent the new woman in their son's life, they compete, they struggle with the "replacement"… and everyone is angry.  The son is caught in a virtual tug of war - stuck in the middle of his old and new love.  He eventually has to pick a side.  No good comes from it.

I can see how this could happen because I love my little man so much - a little man who will become a big man and I will eventually have to let go… or face a tug of war.

It's different with a daughter, don't you think?  Moms and daughters are more true friends than true loves.  Because of that she will never fully leave.  You can have more than one true friend.  Not so with a true love.  A daughter will always seek, need and want a mom's advice (to a certain degree) and Moms are glad, maybe even relieved, to give it.  That's what friends do.

It's the boy that will someday actually break my heart.  Like a love lost.

SILENTLY
I, eventually, will be replaced with his one, real true and everlasting love.
When it's the sure love of his life - that new woman will grab, expect and deserve most of his time.  I will step back, let the new woman in and he will leave me for good.  I can imagine that day may be one of the saddest and happiest of my life.  For times like the pictures below will seem like "yesterday"…


For now I will soak in those heavy hugs, I will lap up the random "I love you's" and I will never ever get tired of him saying "I want you" every time he heads to bed.  Before I know it - he will no longer cry for me.  Reality is: the other type of love will win him over.  Because the love a son carries for his Mom is special and unique but it will change over time.  It has to…

So as his mother I will love my son today loudly, tomorrow quietly and forever silently.  My hope is he will love me back the same way - or perhaps - just his own way.



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