Thursday, August 13, 2015

Back to School - I Can Breathe & Cry

The Headlines:

My kids are back in school.

Thank God.

So why are there tears in my eyes?





It was a long, glorious Summer.  We had so much fun.  We traveled.  Got wet.  Ate too much.  Slept too late.  We laughed.  There was sand.  Family.  Lots of friends.  Road-trips, boat rides.  Shopping and walking and crying.  There was lots of arguing and some yelling too.  But we loved (almost) every minute of it.


The time has come to go back to school and start the routine again.  The morning rush and night time run.  Deadlines and dancing.  Games and homework.  Packed lunches and pick ups.  I can't wait.   Mama can get some things done.  I can bake or write without interruption, run errands and browse through stores.  I have some time, if only a few hours, each week.  I will breath deep, then actually hear the sound of the air when I exhale.  Right, I can even go to yoga!  So, why then do I feel like as I take that deep breath of fresh air... a tear will simultaneously run down my cheek?

I would guess it's simply because Summer Break 2015 is behind us and we will never get it back again.  My son is going into his last year of pre-school, my daughter 4th grade and this part of our life story forever closes, not be re-opened.  And that's so final.


I made it through the first day of both of my kid's school this week.  Not one tear... I would guess that's because of the hustle and bustle of the early morning slam.  But, on the pre-school orientation night that came days before I could not contain myself.  It was my last experience (ever) as a parent of a pre-schooler.  And it was on this recent night when I saw his first teacher ever (2's class) and she gave "that smile."  You know,  the one that simultaneously makes you think about where you're going and where you came from?  I couldn't help but lose it.  I cried in front of many mothers I didn't know and I felt helpless to my own emotions.

I got it together quickly but as I sit here I am leaking tears again.  Just the thought of it... the thought of them growing up too fast and wanting to do it all over does not escape me.  Right now it consumes me.

Yes, I know... there are many more starts to school years and end of Summers to come... but never this one.  This one is over.  

But I will, as all of us will, continue to look forward as I turn to look back, giving the very same smile to other mothers along the way.   The one that makes us think about where we're going and where we came from all at the same time.